I Come in Peace, My Sister

The other day I was sitting with Lisa, my wife and I was thinking that our next anniversary would be 20 years. 20 years is a long time. I'm really blessed, 20 times over. 20 trips around the sun. 20 birthdays for each of us. 20 summers and 20 winters. 20 springs and 20 falls.

Over the 20 years, we've done a lot of examination of our relationship, as any couple would naturally do. Especially when it gets rough and rocky, we talk. Or sometimes when it's been sweet and divine, we'll look at that too. What are we doing right? How can we build on it? We have always done a lot of talking. Common sense says that being highly communicative increases the odds of any relationship going well. Respect, (which actually means, "seeing"), is certainly key. Common interests, a common philosophy, common life goals - to have a child, to live in a beautiful place, to share and celebrate our heritage, to dance, to share a passion for music and various arts, these are all important, too. Love and compassion. Respect and sharing. And lately, raw food prep.
Taking care of each other. These are keys.

Recently, after I injured myself, I could really see just how compassionate Lisa was, as she cared for me, got me things, had me take it easy, just let me convalesce a little. For this I love her more than I can say. I really needed her and she was there for me.

These things are all key. But what about the grease on the wheels of the relationship? What about some of the rocket fuel for the relationship? What makes it be fun and dynamic for years on end? What is one of the strongest keys to make this thing tick?

Having a shared sense of humor has been one of the most important parts of our relationship.

I simply mean that we like to laugh together. About anything. About nothing. About the absurdities of life. About in- jokes that stretch back to even before we were married, when we were just dating. Quotes and quips that remind us of odd or quirky experiences we shared.
We are downright zany together. We laugh together. A lot. And I think it makes all the difference

Humor is so key. It defuses tensions. It puts smiles on our faces. It gives us the much needed relief from the stress and strains of every day life. It's great.

We have any number of little quotes, as I said before, that can trigger a laugh. One of these little quotes, which I believe I first uttered, after a fight, was my attempt to truly find that place inside that would allow me to see Lisa as an equal, someone to respect and cherish, someone to meet in equanimity: It was an opening line that I wanted to use to make up after a fight:

" I come in peace, my sister".

"I come in peace, my sister" today is a bit of a joke, and we laugh about it, but at the time, it was a serious attempt to make amends. In my mind, the "sister" in the quote refers to the fact that, in our relationship, I really wanted us to surpass the roles of husband and wife, I wanted to stress that we are more than lovers, more than just romantically involved.

What I wanted to imply by calling her "my sister" is that we are kin.

There's something about the word "sister" when spoken to a wife, that is sort of disarming. A sister is someone who is immediate family, there is a purity of relationship there, there is respect, a desire to protect, a familial tie. Obviously, she's not really my sister, but occasionally calling her that, brings back the notion that in a sense, we are like brother and sister, and we can share a certain kind of perspective on what we want our relationship to be when we realize that.


The other part, "I come in peace", is just as important. It means, I'm here to do you no harm.
You're safe. " I come in peace" is just that. Like the warrior who lays down his weapon, it's an announcement that the hatchet is buried, that the boxing gloves have been hung up: There's nothing to fear here and you can relax.

"I come in peace, my sister", is a message that the fight is over, that the time to heal is now. But it's also kind of funny and absurd. I mean, she's my wife, after all. It has a kind of ridiculous quality to it somehow. So it's funny. But at the same time that it's funny, it's a reminder of a time when we were fighting, and we found a way to disarm the situation by approaching each other and really just slowing down and de-escalating.

When my wife and I are sitting around laughing about who-knows-what, sometimes my daughter is just totally mystified. She's at that age now, almost 12, when her parents are almost a constant source of embarrassment and consternation to her. She doesn't understand most of our jokes with each other, and when we attempt to joke with her in the same kind of way, through silly imitation for example, it falls as flat as a pancake. Or explodes in our face. Kids at that age can be really sensitive to this kind of thing, so if you have young ones, take note. Be careful - you'll find out eventually. But we don't stop trying to find the humor, and often enough, I catch a wry little smile on Maya's face as she realizes that her parents love each other (and her) completely and totally, and that the fun and laughter will just keep going on, a part and parcel of that love, and that family life can be truly fun.

At any rate, the humor, the ability to laugh at oneself and with one's partner and one's family, this just makes the relationship so much fun. It's probably one of the most enjoyable aspects of the entire relationship, and one of the mainstays of the health of the relationship.

So come in peace, brothers and sisters, walk in peace with a smile on your face and some laughter in your heart. Lay down your arms and have a good time.